My son was placed in my arms where he drew his last breath on August 18, 2005 at 4:24 p.m. He was 9 years old. My heart was forever broken inside my chest- my life, irrevocably changed – I can never go back to who I used to be – I am forever incomplete. I remain forever grateful to have been chosen to be the mother of such an amazing and truly courageous little boy – little man– little warrior.

I wish I could say I continued the fight in his honor or that I have made an impact on this world since he left - but I have not. Instead of taking up the cause, I lost my way and the reality is, I fell asleep. For nearly 7 full years, I slept – I quit living and I gave up on life. I did not wish to be dead per se yet I did little to actively live in this life.

In July 2012, I reconnected with my first love. Having this man back in my life made me feel alive and finally, I wanted to live again – I wanted to be awake. Waking up; however, would prove to be a slow and arduous process. 

The darkness and despair had truly taken its toll on me and even the little things would sometimes prove to be major setbacks. I had gained 80 pounds while I slept and being awake meant I could see it.

My self-image and confidence was non-existence and the way I felt about myself and how I looked on the outside nearly drove me back to bed BUT then one small thing made all the difference – BAD KITTY PHOTOGRAPHY. 

Somehow I talked myself into having pictures done for my guy. He still lived in another state and I wanted to do something special for him.

I was self-conscious and had a really low opinion of myself but Cinnamon promised me my pictures would be great and then my photographer Stacey dolled me up, took away my baggy clothes and snapped picture after picture. 

After a few days Madison gave me a call to let me know that my pictures were ready – she made sure to let me know that they were amazing. I didn’t believe her so I logged into my computer and pulled them up to see. I could not believe my eyes.

I had not looked at myself as a strong and beautiful woman in more than a decade but there she was – me staring back at me. I realized I could do this – I could stay awake and I could get better and slowly but surely I have. 

Hard to believe this is what finally saved me:
 

the love of a good man who returned to my life; 

a spunky and quirky, chick who decided to start a business and employ likeminded souls to help other women see how strong and beautiful they really are; 

a bleach-blonde photographer; 

a high school senior; and 

a few hundred sexy ass pictures. 

 I still have plenty of work to do to figure out me. Waking up is only the beginning and each day I grow a little stronger, I learn something new. Part of feeling good (at least for me) means liking what I see in the mirror. I couldn’t see that anymore until I saw my photos.

I wanted to share my story here in the hopes that you too might find your own hope. Whatever you may be going through in life, there is always time to be reminded you are pretty (inside AND out). 

Love –N- Respects. EleGirl